he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
