I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
