You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think your dad took our porno
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
