this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
