I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
