You made me cry and you don't even care
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
