i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
