Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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