it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize