God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
