Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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