I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
