Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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