I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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