btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
