he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
