"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize