She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Houston, we have a squirter
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
