He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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