life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
My bed is full of blood and feathers
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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