i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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