we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
