do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
he had hair everywhere except his balls
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
