If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think your dad took our porno
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
