I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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