I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize