You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
