I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
