Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
