I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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