Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
