then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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