Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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