I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
