I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I need to align my fucking chakras
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
