Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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