summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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