just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
