Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
