why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
