so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
