True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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