worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
