no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
