she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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