Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
