things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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