why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
