there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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