what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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