You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Threesome in a minivan. New low
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
