I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
