Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
