I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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