her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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