whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize