my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Who died my cat blue again?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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