Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I looked at my own cervix.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize