the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
