Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
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