He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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