I CAN MOONWALK!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize