if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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