My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
