dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize